A treat for the way you treat others

Animals make an important part of our lives. Wherever we go there are animals around us. Sometimes I wish I were a cow. But a cow living in India and not some place where I would be eaten up. My dream is to shit in the middle of the road while cars and bikes still show me respect as they pass along. Then I would eat and do nothing all day. I don’t even have to respect anyone.

My schedule would look like:

Rest

Rest

Lunch

Shit in the middle of the road

Be respected and loved by people

Cross roads in any random direction

Rest

Dinner

Rest

Rest

My current schedule as a human looks like:

Rest

Give respect

Fake respect

Lunch

Get shitted on by people

Cross roads as directed by society

Rest

Dinner

Feel sorry for myself

Rest

But people love animals quite a lot in this country. Mainly dogs. I love dogs. I have a dog. Dogs are the best.

I think people own dogs just because it gives them a chance, a chance to give someone a name which not Indian. Every dog is a Max, Roxy, Angel and so on. I’m still waiting for the day to walk on the streets and pass by an amazing tall handsome Great Dane named Santosh!

My dog’s name is Caesar. And he is the dog in the picture. My family adopted him when was 6 weeks old when he was sick, hungry and about to die. So while this might not be a joke, I would request and plead people who are thinking of getting a dog to adopt one instead. I ask you to resist the temptation to buy one. I completely understand the temptation. I recently had a chance to get a St. Bernard. I didn’t get one due to multiple factors (heat issues, maintenance and parents) but when I thought more about it, I was merely fascinated by the idea because it would mean one step closer to owning a lion.

There is a lot to learn from dogs. People do not love people unconditionally. Animals do. When we love someone we always expect a return. There is absolutely no way you unconditionally love a person who tells you to fuck off just for fun. Your wife other tells you to fuck off and do the dishes and you say, “You’re just so beautiful”. 

It often happens that you go close to your dog for a hug and he just runs away from you. Your dog is sleeping on the floor, and you go lie down next to him and he just gets up and sits on the other side of the room? It sucks right? But you still love him, because you don’t have unrealistic expectations. But imagine you coming home, after work or school or doing nothing, like I do, and going to hug your girlfriend or wife, and she just runs away from you and sits on the other side of the table. At that moment will you be thinking how beautiful she is? You won’t be thinking if something has happened to upset her? You’re just standing pissed while your dog is going close to her to comfort her.

There is so much to learn from animals.

Feed one. Adopt one. Save one.

My phone is fatter than some of the girls around here

Mobile phones have created quite a change in the human dynamics nowadays. It has changed the advertising world. TV commercials contain mostly of the latest phones and how you can do things through your phone that you couldn’t do otherwise. Years ago, Dove used to advertise its soaps and moisturisers for a silky smooth skin and you would completely fall in love with just a single touch. The same thing is happening with the new Samsung Galaxy S5.

Super AMOLED capacitive touchscreen, 16M colours! The touch will make you fall in love with the phone. They’re being honest. They used Dove moisturisers for the finishing!

The AppStore and the Google Play store have completely changed our lives! Every day new apps are being developed and uploaded for the user to enhance their lives. To be honest, these new devices have made my life a little more busy. The only thing that has changed since owning a smartphone and an iPad, is that I now have to agree to more ‘user agreements’. Just a few more clicks in my life! But I do not mind. The surface where my fingertip touches the screen has become much softer in recent wakes. Must be all the Dove these companies use!

But these applications come up with such permissions and agreements which makes you question what the developers were thinking while coming up with them. Since almost everyone uses ‘WhatsApp’, here is what all of you agree to:

System tools: install and uninstall shortcuts

That’s fair enough. You’ve worked hard making the app. You can play around with my phone and install/uninstall the WhatsApp shortcut at your merry.

Hardware controls: Control vibration

They’ve also announced that the new vibrators come with ‘WhatsApp’ installed. So the girls can text their boyfriends, “I don’t need you anymore”.

Hardware controls: Record audio, take pictures and videos

The next time you send a naked picture of yourself to your girlfriend/boyfriend, just remember that, that’s not the only place where its going!

Your personal information: Modify your contacts, read your contacts

Really explains the Schizophrenia of some of my friends. 

Storage: Modify or delete contents of your USB storage

Next time someone catches you with porn on your phone, you know which direction to point the finger at!

Here’s my favourite one!

Services that cost you money: Directly call phone numbers, send SMS messages

Congratulations guys, WhatsApp has just saved your ass! Every time you drunk dial or drunk text your ex, you can avoid the awkward conversation in the morning after by simply saying, “It wasn’t me. It wasn’t the alcohol. It was the WhatsApp talking.”

And a few more permissions you agree to like giving your life savings away to WhatsApp when you die. But we all still agree to it! We care more about talking to people we don’t care about than about agreeing to app permissions.  That is why I have come up with a mathematical expression. The minutes spent on the phone are inversely proportional to the minutes spent on chasing your dreams. Think about that before your pick up your phone. But if you are reading this on your phone while on the toilet, then you are excused. But I would still encourage you to read the newspaper or a comic book instead.

Selfies, Oscars And Psychology: A SOAP opera indeed!

The Oscars really get to you. No matter who you are and what you do, when you watch the Oscars, you want to be a fucking actor from that minute on. But somehow astonishingly, the awards were not the highlight of this year's Oscars. It was this ‘selfie’ tweeted by Ellen Degeneres. 

A SELFIE! I used to think it was only a teenage girl in the bathroom thing. If you haven’t quite figured the tone yet, I really dislike them. But what I dislike more is that most selfies come with a quote underneath; a deep quote on life, struggles, depression, overcoming obstacles and a bunch of other bullshit. I’ll never understand why one thinks that any fucking part of the face will inspire me to work harder. And I have my doubts on the face too. If the brain was big as the cleavage shown in the picture, maybe the picture wouldn’t be on Facebook in the first place. “Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness” and meanwhile can you please look at my cleavage and like my picture.

It is quite a trend now isn’t it? Every trend is like an invention of its own. We used to celebrate Graham Bell, Thomas Edison and their inventions. Now, we hope to be the inventor of the next thing that will go viral over the Internet. The person who invented the ‘selfie’ must be feeling like a true genius. Einstein must be proud!

The Internet and technology have changed the way we function.

But the truth is, the virtual world couldn’t be more different than our real world. Can you imagine being constantly followed, having tabs kept on you, getting an alert when you do something and all this by complete strangers. Not 1 or 2 strangers but hundreds and thousands of them. And you want more strangers to know what you’re doing! It is never enough! If there are 100 strangers following you, you want a thousand. If you have a thousand, you want a million. Well you might not get a million people to follow you, but the appetite is there!

And you simply enjoy all of that. It’s like you become a movie star (The feeling you get after the Oscars as I mentioned before, accompanied by the false feeling of already being an Oscar winner). But you are actually shit. You have a boring job and you’re not the funniest guy around but twitter gives you the chance to be anything you want to be. It’s like Las Vegas except the gambling and the whores.

Before one goes on and begins to praise the Internet for all its magnificence, I request you to remember that the Internet cannot save Ukraine from a potential Russian attack. Yes it might be powerful, but it shouldn’t control your life.

Pizza > Politics

I saw this picture of Manmohan Singh and Nawaz Sharif a while back in the newspaper. For the ignorant out there, Nawaz Sharif is the Prime Minister of Pakistan and Manhoman Singh is well, Manmohan Singh. They were apparently there for “TALKS”. I’ve always been a little sceptical of high-level politics and this one definitely raised an eyebrow.

Now what exactly are these talks? Are they so important that they cannot be done over the phone? Do they have to meet in person? And that too in Washington? Are they just trying to rake in Airline Miles to get a free ticket or upgrade the next time?

Does Manhoman Singh talk during the talk? I went into the garage few days ago as my bike was making a lot of noise. I was tired of being that annoying guy on the road who everyone stares and swears at. After taking one glance at the bike, the mechanic says, "The Manmohan of your bike doesn’t work anymore. That’s why it’s making a lot of noise”. Needless to say, the mechanic earned a generous tip for that one.

And during these talks are they discussing international matters? For all we know they might be arguing over whether dominos pizza in India is better than dominos pizza in Pakistan. Having said that I urge you to visit the Pakistan website and take a look at their menu- http://dominos.com.pk/menu/.  That is some creative stuff!

Anyway, when finally both Prime Ministers realise they should stop eating pizza to lose some weight, they calm down and take their regulatory handshake picture.  Why does their picture comes in the newspaper is beyond me. Why is it newsworthy? Does anyone care if they actually met? Do we need the proof? We believe you that they had their talks; we don’t need a picture for proof.  We don’t even care if they met or not. We’ll be much happier if the newspaper said, ‘they didn’t meet, spoke over the phone and saved a lot of money by avoiding the travel’.

But there is a lesson to learn out of this. Silence is golden. Follow the rule and become PRIME MINISTER of India. It is definitely harder that I imagined. I once had a challenge with a Vietnamese friend to see who can go longer without uttering a single word. With my friend being a girl and my prime minister being Manmohan Singh, the odds were comfortably in my favour. And as expected I did win the little challenge but it was quite a struggle. Kudos to Mr. Singh for being able to maintain his silence for so long.